Writing in a completely random( and unknown) blog makes life a tad less miserable. You dispel whatever disease your mind harbored for a week out into the void and no one wants to come out and bite you in the ass for saying the stuff you did(and did not do) last week. The plus side: there is that off-chance that some chronically bored person stumbled onto your secrets and realized how his/her life is actually more miserable that yours. Or not. Oh well. Whatever this does for my sanity.
Here’s something I’d like to dispel. Not because I want to be less miserable, but because I think it’s slowly eating its way into my soul. It’s rotten already and a few more of these thoughts, I’ll eventually become numb… or dead (metaphorically, of course).
November 10, 2007
"There are a couple of things I’d like to write before it spells the end of me. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ve finally rid of my demons. They’re here to stay, I suppose. I’m not me without these. Whatever these are. I’ve never taken myself to be that eventual being that wins through natural selection. Because I never have been. I may not have the potential either to become one. I am a catastrophe. And that’s short of dramatic interlude. I’m just… well, screwed. That’s the melodrama of it all.
It’s amazing how the mind works. When is dead set to go into sulk-bite-and-die mode, everything just breaks down in unison---your ego and then your immune system. So what am I talking about? I really don’t know now. My mind just went blank."
"There are a couple of things I’d like to write before it spells the end of me. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ve finally rid of my demons. They’re here to stay, I suppose. I’m not me without these. Whatever these are. I’ve never taken myself to be that eventual being that wins through natural selection. Because I never have been. I may not have the potential either to become one. I am a catastrophe. And that’s short of dramatic interlude. I’m just… well, screwed. That’s the melodrama of it all.
It’s amazing how the mind works. When is dead set to go into sulk-bite-and-die mode, everything just breaks down in unison---your ego and then your immune system. So what am I talking about? I really don’t know now. My mind just went blank."
I wrote this when I was insane. Fortunately, I snap out of these spells and I return to my usual less morbidly miserable self. When did I become so unhappy? I don't know. I take joy in the little things (or so I try to convince myself). The universe these days, however, has other plans. It wants me to take in the bigger picture. But I cant handle that right now. I'm in between mood swings.
Hopefully, I'll get something out of this "vacation". It hasn't been very therapeutic.
